At last, An Honest Ad For A Fingertip Massager

Years ago, I remember seeing television ads for a fingertip massager device called the 'FUKUOKU 9000 Mini Massager'. Pronounced fuh-koo-oh-koo, the product all but screamed female masturbation aid. Even as a teen, I realized what was being implied. This thing was meant for gently massaging a woman's clitoris in order to produce an orgasm (ugh, that sounds so clinical). It was so obvious though. Look again at the name of this thing. It may as well have been called Fucks You And Coo.

Tonight, on E!, while watching 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' reruns, I caught a very blatant advertisement for this product:

The ad featured two women whispering about the 'Vibrating Touch' device in a library. The librarian overhears the two women, and before the two have a chance to be embarrassed, the librarian admits she's got a 'Vibrating Touch' of her own (wink, wink).

I guess it just shows how far we've come in terms of honesty in advertising. Although, I did see the 'Vibrating Touch' commercial just after midnight on a crummy cable channel. Maybe daytime televison still isn't ready to air commercials for the 'Fingerfuck 1000'.

Midnighter Knees Hitler In The Scoobies

From Midnighter #2. Found it here. Happy Memorial Day!

More Milers Less Madge

My daughter loves the video Miley Cyrus and her friends did for Madonna's '4 Minutes' single. (If you're one of the seven people on the planet who've yet to see it, you can check it out on You Tube here.)

I figured that since she liked the song so much, she'd love for my wife to be able to play it for her in the car via my wife's iPod. So, I downloaded the single for a (ahem) reasonable price, burned it to disc (fuck you Steve Jobs, and fuck your mother fucking AAC/DRM exclusivity format bullshit). Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, so I get the song into iTunes and onto my wife's iPod via CD-R, and then I proceed to play it for my daughter.

As soon as the song starts, my daughter looks at me confused and says "Daddy, where's Miley?". For you see, at the beginning of Miley's Madonna "tribute" video, Ms. Montana introduces the video with her friend Mandy. The two girls do a 10 second improvisation altering the lyrics from 'I'm out of time and I've only got four minutes' to 'I'm Miley Cyrus only got four minutes'.

I hadn't considered that the most exciting part of Madonna and Justin Timberlake's '4 Minutes' song for a six year old girl is not so much the male/female vocal interplay, but seeing her hero Hannah Montana break out into a slickly choreographed dance routine to it.

Libertarian Makeover

I watched the Libertarian Party Convention this morning on C-SPAN. It looked like the event was held in what could have been any hotel function room in any town in America. The attendees were quite a sight as well. There were very few ties, but plenty of ponytails and facial hair. One guy even wore a V for Vendetta mask.

Maybe the Libertarian party would get more media attention if Bob Barr didn't look like an extra from AMC's Mad Men. And while we're making their candidates over, Christine Smith could definitely use a more modern hairdo... and an orthodontist.

Here's a question I've been asking folks following the primaries: Because he's still campaigning for president, does Ron Paul become the Republican party's presumptive nominee if McCain takes a heart attack and croaks between today and the Republican Convention?

Weezer- Pork and Beans

Weezer's new video for the first single from their self-titled (red) album. How many You Tube stars can you name?

My 25 vs. Their 25

I had heard Entertainment Weekly published a '25 Funniest People In America' list recently. I was dying to see it. But, before I went looking, I decided to write up my own list of the 25 Funniest Americans.

Here's my list (in no particular order):

• Larry David


• Tracy Morgan


• Will Ferrel


• Tom Scharpling


• Artie Lange


• Lisa Lampanelli


• Chris Rock


• David Sedaris


• Andrew Dice Clay


• D.L. Hughley


• David Cross


• Adam Sandler


• Norm Macdonald


• Conan O'Brien


• David Letterman


• Johnny Knoxville


• Amy Poehler


• Tina Fey


• Bob Newhart


• Jack Black


• Patrice Oneal


• Jon Wurster


• Louis C.K.


• Dave Chappelle


• Steve Carell

Here's EW's list:

25. Augusten Burroughs 24. Catherine O'Hara 23. Sarah Silverman 22. Dave Chappelle 21. Demetri Martin 20. Diablo Cody 19. Craig Ferguson 18. Jack Black 17. David Letterman 16. David & Amy Sedaris 15. Will Ferrell 14. Ricky Gervais 13. Ellen Degeneres 12. David Cross 11. Conan O'Brien 10. Kristen Wiig 9. Larry David 8. Amy Poehler/Will Arnett 7. Matt Stone/Trey Parker 6. Chris Rock 5. Steve Carell 4. Jon Stewart (Daily Show team) 3. Tina Fey 2. Stephen Colbert (Colbert Report team) 1. The Judd Apatow Posse

Here's my take on EW's list as I look at it for the first time:

Demetri Martin!!?? Are you fucking kidding me!? That guy is the most boring, unoriginal piece of shit comedian. Hack bits, which borrow a little from Carrot Top and a lot from Gallagher. NOT FUNNY! David Sedaris is funny. His sister is not. Ummm, Augusten Burroughs is just morbidly sad. If there's humor in his work, I don't see it. Catherine O'Hara may have been funny 30 years ago in her SCTV days. Amy Poehler's funny, but Will Arnett is a factory wrapped douche. Oh well, there's always next year.

You're Kidding Me, Right?

(click image to enlarge)

My wife was checking out the price of New Kids On The Block reunion show tickets on eBay this morning. I was shocked to see what they were going for.

Megamoog- Goodbye

I listened to music via Last.fm all day today at work. That's where I met and fell in love with Megamoog. All other artists can now disappear.

The End Of A Monthly Midnighter

According to the Comic Book Series Wikia, next month's issue of Midnighter (#20) will be the last. Admittedly, I dropped this title from my pull list after #14. However, at the last couple of comic book shows I attended, I was able to fill in some of the blanks in my collection rather cheaply. In the last week or so, I was thumbing through a couple of the Assassin 8 story arc issues and it appeared the book had become strong again in both story and art.

I'm really sorry to see this character's monthly run end. There's a great review of Midnighter #19 at Comic Reviews. Within the review is a great summation of Midnighter's personal drive, and heroic abilities. I think it says a lot about the appeal of the character, and the passion he inspires in fans:

"...as with most protagonists, they severely underestimated the Midnighters talents and resolve. They think of the Midnighter as an "anti-hero", a thug, a fighter. But what they don't realize is that he doesn't do any of that because he has to. To him, it's not his job. That's literally, who he is. It's his whole life. He doesn't think about it, because it's every cell of his being. To him, taking out an opponent is like breathing. It's as natural as sweating, or growing your hair. At the end, as he's got him on the ropes, he tells him "You forgot one thing. I live for this. It's who I am, what I do and I . . love it. You asked me if I'd thought this through. I always think it through. Consider my options. Doesn't mean I always opt for the quickest kill. Sometimes I'm in the mood to savor the process, wring every last bit of enjoyment out of it before ending it the only way it can ever end . . . just like this."

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

(click to enlarge) Found it here.

I'm not a Hellboy fan. I've seen the first film only in parts when I happen to catch it on cable. I did, however, really get excited when the sequel's trailer showed up before 'Harold and Kumar...'. Today, I came across the poster above and was really quite taken with it. My wife has already told me she won't go see this with me, but a friend of mine who's more familiar with "Red" than myself told me he's interested.

Here's the trailer:

Why Does DC Get Dissed?

While checking out the April '08 Comic Book Sales Figures, I couldn't help but notice Marvel holds 9 out of 10 top sales spots. The only DC book to crack the list is JLA. Why y'all hatin'?

Stop Tweaking Your Pull List Or You'll Go Blind!

The latest list of comic titles I have held for me every month:

• The Twelve (Marvel)
• Bad Planet (Image)
• The Spirit (DC)
• Speak Of The Devil (Dark Horse)
• Green Arrow/Black Canary (DC)
• Northlanders (Vertigo)
• The Sword (Image)
• Thor (Marvel)
• Wonder Woman (DC)
• The Goon (Dark Horse)
• Hulk (Marvel)
• Glamourpuss (Aardvark-Vanaheim)
• American Splendor (Vertigo)
• Secret Invasion (Marvel)
• Dark Tower (Marvel)
• Young Liars (Vertigo)
• Final Crisis (DC)
• Catwoman (DC)
• Titans (DC)
• Huntress (DC)

DC (Vertigo): 10
Marvel: 5

Send It Up On Fire, Death Before Dawn

This post's title is a Liz Phair lyric from 'Canary' off of the 'Exile In Guyville' album . The photo is from the back cover of Mark Robinson's album 'Origami and Urbanism'.

I ran out of antidepressants for my SAD this past weekend. I also just bought four pairs of pants I can barely fit into, so I've got to drop weight. Needless to say, I'm completely miserable, and a total, fucking bear right now.

My boss sat three dudes from Colorado in my cubicle with me this morning. I had to demonstrate some of our department's software and procedures which they are interested in implementing company-wide. My boss thought I did a good job, and I knew this sit-in was coming, but I'm such a creature of habit, that having to answer these guy's questions for an hour and a half really threw my whole day off.

I lost a hubcap in March due to poor road conditions in my neighborhood. When I got home and saw it was missing, I combed the streets to try to find it without any luck. I then tried to find a replacement hubcap online and still found nothing. I'm not allowed to go back to the dealership I bought my car from because I threw a fit there once when they tried to sell me tires I didn't need. They told me I was not to return... ever.

This past week, while taking my wife out for dinner, I noticed a hubcap which looked just like mine leaning up against a telephone pole near our home. I stopped the car, and immediately jumped out and ran to it. Sure enough, it was my hubcap! I could only figure since I had lost it more than eight weeks prior, that it had rolled off the street and into a grassy area which had just been mowed. The landscaper(s) must have found it and leaned it up against the telephone pole. What luck!

I did hear a couple of great new bands today. The Hot Toddies are a girl group from Oakland, CA. They make great indie pop loaded with sexual innuendo and amazing vocal harmonies. I also very much dug a band from Akron, OH called Houseguest. I read about them in Rolling Stone. Their forthcoming album was produced by Pat Carney from The Black Keys. They've kind of got a cheap, ramshackle sound. The vocals sound polished and out of place. It's an interesting dichotomy.